I was looking through my photos looking for a visual representation of my state of being on this second day of the new year. A morning moon? Why? A contradiction? A confusion? Yet, there is beauty in this. I really don't want to write. I haven't been writing all year. I was focused on "doing my part" to change the direction of the country and get rid of the awfulness that was represented by TFG (The Former Guy whose name shall not be mentioned). That was a great day when we won! And then 1/6 happened and then the awfulness was revealed when the R party chose to buy into the Big Lie, rather than to support the democratic process. And it's just gotten worse. I haven't been able to put energy into trying to make a difference, though I see the threats, especially in the attempts to weaken voting rights, oh yeah, and climate change, oh yeah and racism, oh yeah and fascism, oh yeah and covid, oh yeah and abortion rights, oh yeah and divisiveness. Aaaaaah!
My energy went to other places. I lost my mom in August, and in the months prior to that, I was in a lot of anxiety about how best to care for her. I am not ready to share publicly about that experience, or about how I'm doing now. Just know that that undergirds everything. (I'll post the eulogy I wrote on another post). I'm trying to remember where 2021 went and I can see by looking at my photos and files that I had "projects." They are mostly works-in-progress. We shall see if they become more completed. But I am forever a "work-in-progress" so .... (Maybe a blog post on my unfinished work is in order.)
I spend many hours taking care of house things and yard work. I am trying to find balance. My self-care doesn't seem to be writing these days, I do find satisfaction in yard work and to some extent, housework. I have many interests and there are not enough hours in the day to do them all, not to mention energy and attention. I don't know if I want to keep this website going. Right now, I am finding it hard to find the motivation. But pulling weeds and keeping up with the citrus which are now in season now is highly motivating. Getting rid of yucky carpets, broken blinds, outdated toilets, and decades of unused and never-will-be used stuff is also highly motivating. Yet, I still seek balance. It'll come in 2022, That's my intention.
Diane Aoki is a writer who explores other modes of creativity as her intuition leads her.